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The Smaelessly Derived Peter Porter's Schooldays (Part Six: Down To Study) Friday, 10-Sep-1999 15:29:57
Part Six: Down To Study. Professor Hartless, the House Mistress of Theta Alpha, led the first year Alphans through the twisting labyrinths that made up St Kurtzbergs. Each House was devoted what was called a residential wing of the academy, entry to which required knowledge of the appropriate house password for that semester. The external appearance of a House Wing was a large central tower with about a dozen metallic globes clinging to the outer wall like barnacles. Internally the central tower provided a common area for the students belong to that house, typically these were littered with battered old sofas and armchairs, games like fussboll and ping pong, various decrepit drink making or supplying facilities and an assortment of large impressive looking machines nobody (apart from the Phi Phi's) quite understood the functions of (one did make extraordinarily good flapjacks though). Radiating from the central common area were the circular shaped dormitories, each again requiring a password and furnished with half a dozen or so bunks and a trunk at the foot of each. The first years took the dorm vacated by the previous years graduates, so, once allocated a bunk and dorm that would be the student's personal space for their entire stay at St Kurtzbergs. Peter awoke to his first morning at St Kurtzbergs and, after a fine breakfast, launched himself into a mind-boggling first year at the Academy. First up on his timetable was the History of Superheroism, taken by the a vaporal teacher called Mr Corrigan. Peter had been quite looking forward to this but Mr Corrigan's numbing hollow monotone lulled him and the rest of the class into early stupors - only Lettis Armstrong seemed able to maintain her interest and scribbled copious notes from beginning to end. Next there was the Basics of Gadgetry with Mr Grayson. Mr Grayson was an extremely chirpy fellow, continually making little quips and cracking jokes, which fairly quickly became quite irritating. Ron told Peter the story that some stocking-masked graduates once kidnapped Mr Grayson and organised a 'phone in for the entire school to vote as to whether they wanted him returned alive or not. It was realized the whole thing was a prank from the start, but the results of the 'phone-in were apparently suppressed. Ron however showed a deal of initial promise in this subject and during the first lesson constructed a small hovering mini-bot device, about the size of a golf ball, which he called FB One. Professor Witchuds was head of this department and quite often dropped into the lessons just to see how their scientific adventuring was progressing. Professor Witchuds, Phi Phi's House Master, had always been oblivious to (probably in large measure due to his archetypal absent-mindedness) his cult status among the adolescent boys in the Academy because of awesome stretching powers and his marriage to the "babelicious" Transparent Woman. However, after an unfortunate incident with something particularly nasty while off on a field trip near to the Academy, he apparently lost his ability to stretch but managed to enhance his absent mindedness (there was a deal of gossip as to which factor had been decisive in the subsequent break-up of his marriage). Principles of Detection with Professor Finger turned out to be enormous fun, with the students often role-playing the most bizarre scenarios involving giant typewriters, bullet holes in pants in relation to wounds, highly improbable contributions to space medicine, and many other totally eccentric situations dreamed up by the old Professor. Lettis once again excelled with her amazing powers of deductive reasoning. Introduction to the Occult and Mystic Arts was something Peter had not been looking forward to, mainly because it was Dr Goethe's class, but also because the Theta Alpha first years would be sharing the lesson time with the Psi Psi Omega first years. Right from the start Goethe was quite blatant with his favoritism toward the Omegas, Von Malvine being marked out for particular praise. Quite the reverse was the case for the Alphans, Peter often being the focus for Dr Goethe's acidic sarcasm and House points being regularly deducted for rules which he seemed to make up at whim. Despite all that Lettis was clearly miles ahead of the rest of the class. "I don't know what bugs me more." Grumbled Ron, "Goethe, Von Malvine or that know-all girl." Into their third week at the academy came the class they'd all been looking forward to - even the fact that they'd be sharing time with the Omegas again couldn't dampen the enthusiasm as Mr Hall led them out onto the Quincunx field for their first lesson in Aerial Manoeuvring. Mr Hall had a reputation as an uncompromising dispenser of firm discipline, this, coupled with his 'hobby' which involved an extensive range of martial weaponry, meant that nobody messed about during Mr Hall's lessons. Mr Hall marched them out onto the field and told the oafish stooges of Von Malvine, Grubbe and Burke, to lay out the flight belts in a line. Very few of the first years had an innate ability to fly, but looking at the belts Peter wondered whether they'd be any help getting them off the ground - all of them looked as though they'd seen much better days, a couple gave involuntary spasmodic jumps and several were fizzing sparks. The one Peter stood behind seemed to be humming ominously loudly. It was then that the first year Xi Mu, Banjo, came loping across the field (something like a fish out of water) shouting to Mr Hall that somebody had released a Q-Ball-Set in the Mu's girls' toilets. As the sports equipment was Mr Hall's responsibility he bellowed for the first years to stand exactly where they were until he returned, then zipped off in a low trajectory toward the Xi Mu House Wing. Peter was chatting with Ron when the Hooded Hoodling strode over with his attendant cronies, one of the flight belts strapped around his waist. "I'll wager this is all totally new stuff for you, Porter." Sneered Von Malvine, "Personally, I've been flying for years at home, considerably superior apparatus to this old tat, of course." "Aw shut your big mouth Von Malvine," countered Ron, "you're boring." "Boring am I?" Von Malvine's hand snatched into the air above Ron's right shoulder and grabbed FB One, "This little piece of dross strikes me as far more boring." "Give it back." Ron lunged forward but the Hooded Hoodling side-stepped and tripped him over. Von Malvine then floated up into the air. "Come and get it... If you dare." He taunted. Lettis Armstrong stepped forward, "Just ignore him, Mr Hall told us not to move until he got back, you'll get into trouble." But Peter had already strapped on his own belt, crouched, then pushed himself off the ground. The sneer on Von Malvine's face melted into something approaching abject terror as he realised he didn't have a hope of outrunning the speeding bullet that was Peter Porter. "Right - you can have it!" He yelled, "Catch it if you can!" And he hurled the mini-bot as far as he could. Adroitly twisting 180 degrees and dipping into a steep dive, Peter caught the small gadget mere inches from the ground. Twisting again in order to avoid running into the ground himself, he swerved into a tight arc and landed perfectly near the awe-struck Ron and Lettis. "PORTER!" the amplified voice rippled across them, "COME WITH ME IMMEDIATELY!" Peter turned to see Professor Hartless standing, fists on hips, at the edge of the field, "THE REST OF YOU - DO NOT EVEN TWITCH A MUSCLE UNTIL MR HALL RETURNS!" "He's in for it now." Sniggered Von Malvine, "First year caught flying without supervision - with any luck he'll be expelled for that!" Mr Pi |
| The Smaelessly Derived Peter Porter's Schooldays (Part Six: Down To Study) (Mr Pi) (10-Sep-1999 15:29:57) |
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